Dateline October 2002: MLB Anti-Probability Drug Scandal

Bud Selig’s homilies on baseball anomalies

were thought to be humbugs, but now we learn some drugs

provide the ability to defy probability.

The players who take them find that these make them

break laws of statistics. But criminalistics

now can reveal who’s been unreal

in taking success to unlikely excess.

The very first cheater we found was Kirk Rueter.

The suspicions begin with how he can win

with just 3 Ks per nine, which should be a sign

his career is soon done; despite this, he’s won

more games than most. We think he’s been dosed.

Soriano the Yank is another who drank

the chance-beating potion. He defies every notion

that studies have shown about the strike zone.

To hit with much sock, you must take a walk

more than one time a week. But somehow this freak

is a power producer. He must be a juicer.

Yet these little scandals cannot hold candles

to the news a whole team has fed their bloodstream

with improbable tonics. This act of demonics

made Angels misnomers, for they ranked tenth in homers

and in walks were eleven. Yet the Angels in seven

won the World Series. No plausible theories

can explain how they slugged, unless they were drugged

to defy their long odds, and change monkeys to gods.

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