[Cranky old man voice] Back when I was a youngin’, way back before they had these fancy-pants Inter-Nets, I was livin’ in the Old Country across the ocean, walking six miles in the snow every day, uphill both directions, with nothing to think about ‘cept how cold and miserable it was, cuz thar warn’t no way to get baseball scores ‘cept what the newspapers wanted to tell ya. And the only paper that wanted to tell ya anything was the International Herald-Tribune, and all they’d give ya was some line scores and the standings.

But then one day, the USA Today started publishing Over There, and hallelujah, it was a miracle! Box scores! Real, full, honest-to-goodness boxscores available to read five days a week. When I saw that, right then and there I jumped up, clicked my heels together, a let out a whoop of pure joy I ain’t never heard before or since, for life in that frozen hellhole had now become bearable.

So y’all can rip up your USA Today to shreds if you like, but they’re a savior to me, and I love them with every creakin’ bone in my body. And ‘taint nothin’ you can say to get me to change my mind.