And your new Heavyweight Champions of baseball: the Oakland Athletics!

The A’s hit diddly squat off of David Bush for seven innings, but delivered a knockout punch to reliever Jason Frasor, scoring four times in the eighth inning with a few clutch hits (at last!), and taking the champions belt away from the Toronto Blue Jays, 6-3.

We are the greatest! We’re pretty! We’re a baaaad team!

I’d stay and chat more about some of the good performances, like Joe Blanton’s, but I’m gonna go eat instead. I suddenly have a craving for a grilled hamburger…

The pitching wasn’t bad. Haren threw a fat fastball to Eric Hinske, and that one mistake (3-run HR) was enough to lose the game.

The problem was, once again, the offense. Let’s have some fun with small samples:

The A’s offense per game in their:
Three wins: 9.3 hits, 5.0 walks, 2.0 HR, 6.7 runs.
Five losses: 7.6 hits, 2.2 walks, 0.6 HR, 1.8 runs.

Looks like the A’s have been extremely dependent on walks and homers to score so far. That’s a problem if (a) the pitcher isn’t walking anybody, and (b) you don’t have a lineup with power.

Tonight the A’s had Charles Thomas, Mark Ellis, and Marco Scutaro in the lineup. None of those guys are likely to hit the ball out of the park. The lineup would have a lot more pop with Eric Byrnes, Keith Ginter, and Bobby “get well soon” Crosby in there instead.

I have to add that I really dislike the lineup where Chavez, Durazo and Hatteberg are the 3-4-5 hitters. It’s too easy for the opposing team to bring in a lefty in the late innings work through the heart of the order. It happened tonight with Scott Schoenweis in the 8th inning. It’s almost like taking the most leveraged situation in every game, and handing it to the opponent.

I’d rather see a L-R-L-R lineup, something like this:
Kotsay
Byrnes
Chavez
Kendall
Durazo
Crosby
Hatteberg
Swisher
Ginter/Ellis

I’m not going to Opening Night tonight, so I thought I’d do some instant impressions as I watch on TV.

5:58pm Nice to turn on the TV after spending the afternoon fiddling with QuickBooks. I hate doing accounting, so I always procrastinate until April 15 looms.

Flipped the remote to the Braves-Nationals broadcast. It’s my first look at the Nats aside from brief highlights. I dig the scripty W on the cap, but it doesn’t match the blocky text on the shirt at all.

6:05 Dinner time. Kids ask a question, and I can’t come up with an answer: If the outside of bread is called the crust, what’s the inside of the bread called?

6:30 Pregame show starts. Glen Kuiper interviews Shooty Babbitt, a D’backs scout. Shooty says he expects the young A’s to make some mistakes, correct them as they go along, and play spoiler in the end.

6:50 Player introductions. I don’t know why, but I find the pregame ceremonies before Opening Day and the playoffs to be torturous. Can’t stand ’em. I’m doing dishes instead.

6:55 My four-year-old daughter says the Canadian anthem “is so beautiful, it sounds bad.”

7:07 Saarloos starts off throwing strikes. Catalanotto fouls some off, but then strikes out on a check swing.

7:12 Mark Ellis can’t handle a rocket hit at him by Koskie. The two hits this inning are more than Saarloos gave up in 6 innings in Baltimore. Then Saarloos hits Hillenbrand in the elbow. Bases loaded.

7:16 Saarloos is nibbling, falls behind Hinske 3-1, who then singles to left. 2-0 Toronto.

7:19 Swisher makes a nice sliding catch to get the A’s out of the inning.

7:23 This is my first look at Gustavo Chacin. He’s wearing some funky-looking glasses, and has a weird stutter-step in his windup.

7:26 Jason Kendall gets a single in his first Coliseum at-bat. But he’s left stranded.

7:32 Blue Jays not fooled at all by Saarloos so far. Three straight hits to lead off the second. They’re hitting fastballs, breaking stuff, anything and everything he’s throwing up there. 4-0 Toronto.

7:36 Sac fly by Wells. 5-0 Toronto.

7:51 A’s get two runners on in the second, but Swisher hits into a double play.

8:09 Lewis Wolff is up in the booth. He has a very bland delivery, but at times he shows a flash of dry, subtle wit.

8:14 Shea Hillenbrand hits a hanging slider for a double. Juan Cruz coming in to replace Saarloos. 6-0 Toronto.

8:18 Cruz throws a wild pitch, but Kendall gets it quickly and throws out the runner at the plate.

8:22 Chacin is impressive. He throws strikes, hits the corners.

8:29 Eric Hinske hit an outside pitch for a single to left in the first, now he pulls an inside pitch to right for another hit on a tough pitch. How come he didn’t hit this way last year when I had him on my fantasy team?

8:31 Cruz walks two guys after Hinske’s hit. This game is one hit from being over.

8:34 Cruz didn’t get over to cover first, and everyone is safe on an infield “hit”. 7-0 Toronto.

8:36 Terrible throw by Byrnes on a sac fly. 8-0 Toronto.

8:47 I’m bored, so I start surfing. Siliconhouse Rock?

8:59 Toronto scores two in the top of the sixth. Byrnes homers leading off the bottom. 10-1 Toronto.

9:06 Ellis drives in a run. 10-2 Toronto after six.

9:29 Huston Street is blowing hitters away. Two scoreless innings, strikes out the side in the eighth.

9:53 Game over. Final score: Toronto 10, Oakland 3.

The A’s of the last five years didn’t have a heck of a lot of those types of games, where they didn’t really even have a chance to win. This is the second such game in three days. I suppose there will be more of these to come, with such a young starting staff. Good days and bad days. But too many, and the A’s will have trouble competing this year.

…But from this day every day will be Boxing Day
It’s a fight to the finish
Let there be no doubt
As the seconds turn into minutes
I can count you out
   –Elvis Costello, TKO (Boxing Day)

If you haven’t noticed, I have a fun little thing on my sidebar called “MLB Heavyweight Champion”. I’m keeping track of the baseball championship as if it were boxing: if you defeat the champion, you become the champion.

I’ll also keep track of their records in title bouts, and the team that wins the most title bouts at the end of the year shall be deemed the Heavyweight of the Year.

Tonight, the A’s get their first crack at the title, as they take on the current MLB Heavyweight Champs, the Toronto Blue Jays. (The champs this year so far: Red Sox, Yankees, Red Sox, Blue Jays.)

Seeing the A’s go into their first home series with Saarloos, Haren and Blanton as the scheduled starters doesn’t fill me with the warm fuzzies about their immediate title chances. That’s probably just a matter of unfamiliarity, however. I certainly wouldn’t count them out.

Joe Sheehan said in a premium Baseball Prospectus article today that in trading Hudson and Mulder, the A’s “traded perceived value for actual value, and in doing so, made their team better in the short term and in the long term.”

I think he’s probably right, but I’ll put it another way. The A’s traded Warm Fuzzies in exchange for Hope.

With the exception of Barry Zito, the pitching thus far has been fabulous. The non-Zito starters have yielded just 4 runs in 22 1/3 IP. And while so many other bullpens around major league baseball seem to have imploded during the first week of play, the A’s pen has allowed just one run in 20 1/3 IP.

With results like that, Harden and Haren and Saarloos and Blanton certainly give me hope. The bullpen gives me hope. But hope is an instant emotion; if you’re looking for it, it takes only seconds to minutes to find it.

Mulder and Hudson were Warm Fuzzies. No rookie can provide it. It requires turning weeks of results like these into months, and months into years.

Warm Fuzzies linger, far beyond the source of the warmth. You don’t mind cleaning up on December 26th, because December 25th was so much fun. You can milk it for a week or two, but eventually, you have to return to the realities of daily life.

I still get warm fuzzies from my Barry Zito package, but the hope I get from him is fading with each bad result. Hudson and Mulder provided a lot of joy in Oakland, but it couldn’t last forever, either. You have to let the old fuzzies go, and start making new ones.

The calendar turns. Tonight, a new year, a new era, begins in Oakland.

The A’s pitched well tonight, but lost 3-2 in 10 innings to the Devil Rays. As usual in these kinds of losses, the A’s had plenty of baserunners, but absolutely sucked at driving them in.

Tonight they were 3-for-16 with runners in scoring position. And only scored two runs. Add that to the 4-for-23 they hit in Baltimore, and the A’s are batting .179 with RISP in 2005.

Such a small sample size shouldn’t really bother me that much, but I’ve been frustrated by this for years. *Sigh*.

Nick Swisher had a bad night. The Devil Rays decided Swisher would see a steady diet of slow stuff away away away. Swisher looked like he was trying to pull everything. He’ll need to adjust and take a couple of those pitches the other way if he ever wants to see another fastball to hit.

That doesn’t bother me so much, as that sort of failure and adjustment are part of the process for a rookie. I was more disappointed with a couple of terrible Eric Chavez ABs. He struck out twice when making any kind of contact would probably score a run. I’ve come to expect better from Chavez; tonight seemed like a regression for him.

On the positive side, the pitching has been fabulous so far this year. Eight runs allowed in four games is excellent. Keep allowing only two runs per game, and even a teamful of the least clutchy hitters in major league history would probably win most of their games.

Bob Kennedy, who managed the A’s in their first year in Oakland in 1968, has passed away at age 84.

Kennedy is probably best known for serving stints as manager and as GM of the Cubs. He played 16 seasons in the big leagues. He was the father of former Giants and Padres catcher Terry Kennedy.

Kennedy only managed the A’s for one season, guiding a very young team to a 82-80 record, before becoming one of many managers to be let go by Charlie Finley.

I think if you boiled baseball games down to a few basic plot formulas, Thursday’s nice A’s-O’s game could be a prototype for the pitcher’s duel, ruined by generous bullpen plot.

This plot was the A’s basic winning M.O. from 2000-2003; the starters would keep the game close until the A’s could beat up on their opponents mediocre middle relief.

Last year, the A’s used this plot quite often, as well, but they played the opposite role. Time after time in 2004, the A’s starters would seven innings, then hand over a tie game or a small lead to the bullpen, usually with disastrous results.

In the third game of 2005, it looks like the A’s might be getting back to playing the good guys again. The A’s just hung around patiently, not making mistakes, until they could get to the Orioles’ bullpen. The O’s pen, assisted by some shoddy defense, then proceeded to give a tense pitching duel between Dan Haren and Eric Bedard an anticlimactic ending.

Bedard was one of the players involved in the Hudson-Mulder rumors, and I can see why Beane was asking for him. He seemed very much like a left-handed Dan Haren. Both pitchers are young, throw hard, and have impressive breaking pitches, too.

Thursday night, both pitchers seemed to be relying more on raw talent than on pitching craftsmanship. Both fell behind in the count quite often, but their stuff was so good that their opponents couldn’t hit the ball hard off them, even if they had a pretty good idea what was coming. We entered the 8th inning, tied 1-1.

At this point, the A’s didn’t so much win the game as the Orioles lost it. Steve Kline came in and walked Marco Scutaro to lead off the inning. Then Mark Kotsay bunted to the pitcher. The pitcher fielded it, and threw it towards the second baseman covering first. But oddly, the charging first baseman cut off the throw, and everyone was safe.

Eric Byrnes then tried to lay down a bunt, which went just foul. Figuring Byrnes was going to bunt again, Kline threw a high fastball, probably hoping that Byrnes would pop up the bunt. Instead, Byrnes swung away. The Kline pitch may have been hard to bunt, but it was perfect for Byrnes to swing at, and he crushed it beyond the centerfield fence for a three-run homer.

Kiko Calero came in for the last two innings and kept the tension low for the rest of the evening. A happy ending if you’re an A’s fan, but if you want an exciting ending to a well-played ballgame, you’ll need to look elsewhere.

Huston Street made his major league debut on Wednesday in the A’s 9-0 win over Baltimore. He pitched the eighth inning, giving up a walk and a single, but no runs.

His made his first out himself, jamming the batter and catching a little popup. His last out was a nice sequence which concluded with Sammy Sosa striking out on a nasty slider.

I got a good look at Huston Street last week in Tucson, and I returned home with some interesting pictures of Street’s delivery taken from above the A’s bullpen.

Here’s what our own pitcher saver, Will Carroll had to say about Street’s delivery from these shots:

Ken: I was wondering about the third picture, where it looks like he drags his back leg to the side, like he’s trying to get as much towards first base as possible. I’d never seen that before. You can see the skid mark.

Will: YES! God, that’s a great shot. It’s something I do with all my pitchers. I’ve never seen one so pronounced, but that’s GREAT. The longer the drag line, the closer he is releasing the ball to the plate. 1 foot = a perceived 3 mph.

He has a solid front leg. His glove and head are pretty close to ideal. Nasty external rotation.

I’ve talked to a lot of guys that have seen or even hit against him that say he’s frighteningly consistent, but tips.

Street’s fastball is only around 92, but perhaps the long drag line helps explain why so many people say his stuff seems so nasty.

If word got around that Street was tipping his pitches, it might explain his struggles toward the end of spring training. That problem should also be correctable.

I tried to look and see if Street’s stride on the mound in the game differed from these bullpen photos at all, but it was hard to tell. I could see that he was setting up on the first base side of the rubber as in the photos, at least to right-handed batters. But ESPN2 had their ticker running along the bottom of the screen, and obscured the view of the mound, so I couldn’t see much more than that.

No problem, though. I have a feeling there will be few more opportunities to follow Huston Street.

Trying to write a complete dictionary using limericks.

I would ask what the point is, but that would be a self-defeating question.

The weirdness of Opening Day is at long last over!

Now we can get back on our normal paths. Baseball every day. The flow of the season.

 
And we need some flow. So far in this young season, most of the news out of the A’s camp has been negative and disruptive.

• The A’s are starting on the East coast for the first time in years
• The A’s have not yet scored.
• Bobby Crosby’s mysterious rib/back ailment will (likely) land him on the DL. Marco Scutaro gets to fill in, while Keith Ginter gets his first start at second base tonight.
• Rich Harden’s shouting “I’ve got blisters on my fingers!”, so the A’s will be scrambling helter skelter to call up Kirk Saarloos to pitch today. Harden is being pushed back to the weekend against Tampa Bay.
• 5-tool prospect Javier Herrera was suspended 15 days for steroid use.
• A’s scout and former pitcher Matt Keough was arrested for drunken driving and leaving the scene of an accident.

Bad news all around. Strange, abnormal, disturbing. Time to reverse field. Game #2, coming up…

With Google maps, you can toggle between a map view and a satellite image view. To view satellite images of MLB parks, click the links below, then click on the satellite link in the upper right corner.

A couple of pictures (Milwaukee, Cincinnati) are only low resolution images. A couple (Philadelphia, San Diego) show the ballpark under construction. The Marlins’ home looks like it’s configured for a bowl game, while Anaheim seems to be set up for some kind of dirt bike race or something.

AL West
McAfee Coliseum
Angels Stadium
Safeco Field
Ameriquest Field

AL Central
Jacobs Field
Kauffman Stadium
Comerica Park
Metrodome
US Cellular Field

AL East
Rogers Centre
Tropicana Field
Oriole Park
Fenway Park
Yankee Stadium

NL West
Bank One Ballpark
Coors Field
Dodger Stadium
SBC Park
Petco Park

NL Central
Minute Maid Park
Miller Park
Busch Stadium
Wrigley Field
PNC Park
Great American Ballpark

NL East
Turner Field
Dolphins Stadium
Shea Stadium
RFK Stadium
Citizens Bank Park

Turner on, Turner off:
Thirteen consecutive
NL East titles will
Finally stop.

Bullpen deficiency
Outfieldanemia
Fatally killing the
Tomahawk chop.

 
Citizen pitizen:
Have to feel sorry for
Fans of the Phillies who
Think they will win.

Unlieberthalian
Hitting is decent, but
Unlieberjonian
Pitching is thin.

 
Becketty, Bumpity:
Florida’s pitchers are
Gifted but fragile, so
Handle with care.

Carlos Delgado will
Hit thirty homers but
Average fifteen when he’s
Teamed with Pierre.

 
Vita-Minayamin:
Adding great talent like
Carlos and Pedro will
Lift up New York.

Only to fall when their
Octogenarians
Act like their age and get
Stuck with a fork.

 
Youppi less, Yuppie more:
Moving to Washington
Gives ’em a ballpark with
Fans in the seats.

Wilkerson answers quite
Enthusiastically,
Leading the Nats to the
Fewest defeats.

11:37 am PT: Pregame show. Team introductions. A’s get booed mildly. Ginter’s on the bench, Ellis is starting.

11:39 A’s starting lineup announced:
CF Kotsay
C Kendall
3B Chavez
DH Durazo
1B Hatteberg
LF Byrnes
SS Crosby
RF Swisher
2B Ellis

P Zito

11:43 Orioles coaches introduced. Elrod Hendricks in his 37th opening day with the Orioles!

11:45 The O’s are coming in on a long Orange carpet from center field instead of out of the dugout.

11:49 Orioles’ starting lineup:
2B Roberts
3B Mora
SS Tejada
RF Sosa
1B Palmeiro
C Lopez
DH Gibbons
CF Matos
LF Bigbie

P Lopez

Dang, that’s an impressive lineup.

11:50 Moment of silence for Johnny Oates, Chuck Thompson, and the Pope.

11:51 Have to go pick up my daughter from preschool. Gonna miss the opening pitch…but back soon.

12:03 First guffaw via Hank Greenwald, filling in on radio for Bill King, who is nursing a leg injury: “Starting lineup brought to you by Valero: Gas with vroom…Sorry, I didn’t read that very well. But nobody does gas like Bill.”

12:06 Kotsay leads off the season with a 10-pitch AB. A’s Brand baseball.

12:14 A’s go down 1-2-3.

12:17 79mph changeup from Zito. Good sign that he’s throwing it hard. If he’s not being aggressive, it’s in the 60’s. Then he jams Roberts with an inside fastball.

12:22 Zito walks Tejada, bringing up Sosa for his first AB as an Oriole. Gets a standing O. Zito throws him three straight inside fastballs, but then Sosa lines a low changeup to left for a single.

12:23 Zito vs. Palmeiro. I always love watching this battle. Zito gets him to pop up to center to end the inning.

12:29 Hatteberg pokes a single to left for the A’s first hit of the year.

12:37 Crosby gets a lucky two-out infield single. Swisher popups up to Tejada, who runs circles in the wind and makes a diving catch to end the inning.

12:43 Zito is missing too far high with a lot of fastballs. Walks Gibbons, then gives up a homer to Matos on a hanging curve. 2-0 Orioles.

12:54 Kendall throws his bat and fouls of a hit and run attempt. Repeat: the A’s tried a hit & run!

1:06 Tejada, Sosa, and Palmeiro repeat their first inning at bats. This time, there’s only one out, though, and Tejada scores on a sac fly. 3-0 Orioles.

1:09 Crosby bobbles a grounder, but Sosa rounds third and is thrown out at home. Kendall makes a nice tag, as Crosby threw a two-hopper.

1:22 The A’s have two runners on for the third inning in a row. They strand all of them, just like last year. OBP OBP OBP OBP, but nobody can get a damn RBI.

1:27 Scutaro is in the game for Crosby. He must have aggravated his wrist injury striking out.

1:33 Swisher misplays a fly ball for a double, and now it’s 4-0 Orioles.

1:39 Shadows creeping between the plate and the mound. Going to be hard to hit for a couple of innings.

1:43 Two runners on again in the fifth. How much you wanna bet they strand these guys again?

1:44 Yup. Hatteberg pops out, inning over.

1:54 Scutaro hits an opposite field double. Only one stranded runner this inning. Improvement!

2:03 Zito has his second consecutive 1-2-3 inning. He should pitch in shadows more often…

2:06 Steve Kline is the pitcher, Geronimo Gil is catching. What’s up with that? If you take one Lopez out, you have to remove both?

2:07 Kotsay leads off with a single, and then breaks up a double play grounder by Kendall.

2:11 Chavez flies out, and now it’s Durazo. Here’s the problem with the A’s lineup; with all those lefty bats in a row, the Orioles can just leave Kline in there. Durazo flies out, too.

2:16 Justin Duchscherer is now pitching for the A’s.

2:20 Reports come in: Javy Lopez and Crosby were both removed with back pain.

2:24 A’s not doing anything off Jorge Julio. The O’s bullpen looks a lot deeper and better this year with Kline and Reed out there, and with Julio setting up Ryan instead of the other way around. If the O’s can get any sort of decent starting pitching this year, they might be a pretty darn good team.

2:30 Here’s my first look at Kiko Calero in an A’s uni, facing Sosa.

2:32 Scutaro airmails a throw from shortstop, E-6.

2:37 Calero’s slider is nasty looking, and it looks like he has good control of it.

2:38 Hank Greenwald says Ron Darling will do do color analysis for the Washington Nationals.

2:40 Calero gets out of the eighth inning, and now we’re going to the ninth with the Orioles ahead 4-0. B.J. Ryan is on his way in.

2:43 Swisher batting right-handed. Ginter is on deck.

2:44 Swisher strikes out on a check swing.

2:46 Mora makes a nice stop, and then Palmeiro digs out the throw. Two outs. Mora hurt himself going to his knees. Not sure if he hurt his knee or wrist. He’s staying in the game.

2:50 Kotsay grounds out to Tejada. Orioles win, 4-0. I guess we’ll have to wait until Thursday for the A’s to score their first run of the year.

When in Tucson, do as the Tucsonians.

I felt left out that I had never been to a Dairy Queen when Ken Macha treated the A’s to ice cream after a game in Tucson earlier in March.

So naturally, when I went to Tucson last week on vacation, I had to visit a Dairy Queen.

So I packed up the family, and we headed downtown to visit the oldest Dairy Queen in Tucson.

This particular Dairy Queen opened in 1952, and it didn’t look like it had been remodeled at all since then. It was tiny; there was no indoor seating, and enough room in the building for maybe ten people to stand and wait for their order. Obviously, the drive-thru is the thing.

The wife and kids ordered chocolate-dipped vanilla cones, but I had to try the Blizzard. I was looking for the $7 one that Nick Swisher joked about ordering, but the most expensive one cost $3.55.

I still didn’t really know what a Blizzard was, and there were a gazillion flavors to choose from. I had no idea what to pick, but I like cookies & cream, so I decided to go with a small Oreo Blizzard, and see what I got.

Then it was time to go outside and take my first scoopful of Dairy Queen ice cream:

The Blizzard, I discovered, is like a milk shake without the milk. They stir the ice cream around with a mixing machine until it’s soft and frothy, but it’s not as liquidy as a shake.

The texture was nice, and it tasted pretty good, but I’m glad I just ordered a small one. That was plenty. I think the $3.55 one would have made me sick, and a $7 one…well I can’t even imagine that. If Swisher had a $7 Blizzard, it’s no wonder he had a lousy spring training. Eating one that size would probably leave you bloated for weeks.

So now I know what I’ve been missing. I can say I’ve done the Dairy Queen. What’s next?

Mulder continues his yips.
Izzy has pain in the hips.
Carpenter, Morris
Join in the chorus
Of Cardinals with injury trips.

A plantar faciitis attack
Knocks Pujols off of his track.
Then what finally got ’em
Down to the bottom
Is when Rolen’s bad knee strains his back.

 
What is an offense to do
When Sosa is gone, and Alou?
Um, nothing, I guess.
The lineup’s a mess.
The runs the Cubs score will be few.

Which is fine if the pitching is good.
But when Prior is hurt, and then Wood,
And when no one can close,
You’ll know how it goes:
You’ll finish much worse than you should.

 
The Astros lost Beltran and Kent
While Bagwell and Biggio went
And got older.
The team made no bolder
Move than to pay Roger’s rent.

With talent like that down the drain
They need to allow Burke and Lane
To develop their skill.
But I’m not sure they will.
Fourth is the best they’ll attain.

 
Last year’s whole outfield returns;
Dunn, Pena, Griffey and Kearns,
It seems such a waste
That one gets displaced
I guess that they’ll have to take turns.

Too bad one can’t fill a niche
The Reds need, like maybe, say, pitch?
They have enough pop
To hit to the top,
But the arms are a third-rated glitch.

 
It is the belief of this blog
That Williams, Redman and Fogg
Will trade W’s and L’s
Leaving Perez and Wells
To be the pitching staff cogs.

Then all that remains for McClendon
Is to get some more hitters to blendon
With Wilson and Bay
Then Pittsburgh can say
They’re a team that is always contendon.

 
The Brewers have guys in the pipe
Who’ve been give a whole lot of hype.
Some say, “Not yet”,
But I’m gonna bet
This is the year they turn ripe.

With Davis and Sheets at their peaks,
When Hardy, Prince Fielder and Weeks
Start to mature,
The crown is secure,
And wins will come often in streaks.

First, Klesko and Nevin complain
That hitting at Petco’s a pain.
Next Giles and Greene
Go venting their spleen:
The batters start going insane.

With straitjackets on, it is hard
To hit the ball out of the yard
Then you slam into walls
But they’re padded so you can’t hurt yourself which makes you angry because you want to slam into something and have painful falls
But they won’t let you
They’re out to get you
They just want to keep you down
They want to see you frown
They want to define your borders
And when you don’t let them they say you have disorders
They want to control your head
So you laugh at them hahahahahahahahaha instead
Then you spit in their face
And they tell you “that’s why we have to keep you locked down here in last place”
Which madly, you still disregard.

 
When Gagne has pain in his arm
The Dodgers should sound the alarm.
He’s so messianic
Without him, they’ll panic
And say whatdowedowhatdowedowhatdowedo until they gather themselves for a moment and look for a replacement down on the farm.

And panic again ohnoohno when they find
That Gagne is one of a kind.
Without him, they’re stuck.
They’ll probably suck
And fourth place is where they’re consigned.

 
The Giants lose Bonds the Apostle.
But panic? No, they will be docile.
You can contend
With losing a friend
When you’re as old as a fossil.

The pitchers, like Lowry and Schmidt,
Won’t let the Giants just quit.
They won’t be deterred,
But they’ll finish in third.
Without Bonds, they simply can’t hit.

 
The Dbacks improved by degrees
When Randy’s great arm and bad knees
Brought Vazquez and Green,
While the free agent scene
Yielded Troy Glaus and Ortiz.

When three teams above them have aches,
That is good news for the Snakes.
They won’t go from worst
Clear up to first,
But they’ll certainly get better breaks.

 
The Rockies are Helton and…who?
They have an anonymous crew.
Atkins and Mohr
Will help the team score,
While Francis and Tsao will debut.

The team here that has the best health
Is likely to claim all the wealth.
The talented Rox
Will send out some shocks
By winning the West under stealth.

How many decades until
The Red Sox repeat such a thrill?
This year, Murphy’s Law
Will refuse to withdraw.
All things that could go wrong, will.

Last year’s team was a best-seller.
The story this year is less stellar.
They’ll find ways to lose,
With constant bad news,
And end by themselves in the cellar.

 
The noise about Jason’s confession
Has served as a welcome digression
To the forthcoming news
About Yankee blues:
The team has begun its regression.

The Yankees will have a good start,
Then old guys will all fall apart.
This team isn’t deep;
Their drop will be steep;
Then Cashman gets forced to depart.

 
With Sosa, Tejada, Palmeiro,
Their scoreboard won’t show a sombrero;
Runs will be plentiful,
And sometimes be twentiful,
But their ace ain’t exactly too narrow.

With Ponson–and who else have they got?
Javy will live in his squat.
Each run that they wield,
Their pitchers will yield.
Third place is Baltimore’s lot.

 
Now that the Jays own their dome,
And their turf is less concrete, more foam,
I predict the team gels
While Hinske and Wells
Drive hundreds of baserunners home.

Roy will return to an ace,
Lilly will follow his pace.
Down to the letter,
This team will be better
And end in a strong second place.

 
Their dome is an ugly umbrella,
But it’s sure fun to watch Lou Piniella.
I think Tampa Bay
In a shocking display,
Is baseball’s brand new Cinderella.

With Kazmir, the starters will rise;
The bullpen will be a surprise;
And with Aubrey’s eruption,
Combined with some Uption,
The Rays win the ultimate prize.

Oh Johan, my Johan Santana!
There’s no one like Johan Santana!
Johan Santana!
Johan Santana!
Three cheers for Johan Santana!

He’s where the Central begins.
Too bad the rest of the Twins
Will fall in a ditch
Forget how to pitch,
And fight to get fifty-five wins.

 
Been hearing that quite a few scribes
Have taken to picking the Tribe.
They should not be believed.
You’re being decieved.
Those writers have all taken bribes.

The Millwood deal was a mistake.
When fluke years by Hafner and Blake
And Westbrook revert,
Then others get hurt,
It’s fourth for the team at the Jake.

 
Though Percy was packing his bags
To join up with I-Rod and Maggs,
This team still is boring.
They’ll have trouble scoring.
I doubt they will win any flags.

And while Bonderman’s one to behold,
All of those veterans are old.
To not finish third
It is strongly preferred
That you have some young stars in your fold.

 
Get rid of the fat, slow, and surly!
The White Sox will run now, both early
and later,
A great run creator
To add to Garcia and Buehrle!

But will all of that speed be enough
To win a division so tough?
From what I have reckoned,
They’ll still finish second,
They lack a few arms with good stuff.

 
Except for Santana the Twinkie
The pitcher who is the least stinky
Is a young pitcher who
Now wears Royal blue
And goes by the name of Zack Greinke.

And although their lineup’s not pretty
Pena will have them be gritty.
They’ll play the game right,
Win every key fight;
The Central will crown Kansas City.

In Oakland, the new billionaire in
The owner’s box won’t put a scare in
The other teams’ eyes
Like the two traded guys.
Nor will Blanton or Meyer or Haren.

Beane set his old team ablaze.
Now last place belongs to the A’s.
When each rookie tanks
They’re less like the Yanks
And more like poor Royals or Rays.

 
Angeles Angelheim Los?
Well, Arte Moreno’s the boss.
He’ll start a new era
With Finley, Cabrera;
Not Percival, Eckstein, or Glaus.

Although they’re the team to be watched,
I predict that their year will be botched.
It may sound absurd,
But they’ll finish third
‘Cause first base is Darrened, not Kotched.

 
The Mariners’ staff lacks an ace.
I fear that they’ll fall off the pace
‘Til Felix the King
Readies his wing
And brings them back into the race.

Until that time, Beltre and Sexson
Will be raking the Mariners’ checks in.
These powerful swingers
Will hit lots of dingers
But less than the team that is Texan.

 
So now it is time to declare a
Completely new AL West era
Where Texas is ruling.
Am I April Fooling
With Blalock and Young and Teixeira?

Lying is simply immoral.
No one should have any quarrel
With Arlington’s bats,
And a pitching staff that’s
Led by the wisdom of Orel.