Los Angeles, CA (11/3/2005) — The Humbug Journal has learned that the Los Angeles Dodgers, having been rejected in their search for a new General Manager by baseball insiders Pat Gillick, Theo Epstein, Gerry Hunsicker, Jim Bowden, John Hart, Kim Ng, Kevin Towers, Bobby Valentine, Orel Hershiser, Lou Piniella, Kevin Kennedy, Tim McCarver, Joe Buck, and Jeannie Zelasko, have now focused their attention to highly successful, experienced veterans of other industries in the Los Angeles area.
Through a confidential source, the Humbug Journal has obtained a transcript of a GM job interview with one such veteran. Through the terms of our agreement to obtain this transcript, we cannot publish this candidate’s name. He is simply refered to below as “The Candidate“.
The Candidate: Welcome. Come in. May I take your coats? I appreciate that you would come to visit me here, in my humble abode, instead of at your office. I hope you understand. My pet tuatara Josephine can be quite mischievous at times. Yesterday, she knocked over a bowl of Skittles onto the floor, effectively transforming a delicious confectionary refreshment into a treacherous layer of rainbow-colored ball bearings. I stepped on them. I lost my balance. I twisted my ankle.
Although my mobility is limited, I feel that the psychological effect is even more damaging. I find I am now conscious of every step I take. Heel…ball…toes. Heel…ball…toes. It is quite disconcerting.
Please…have a seat. Frank. Jamie. May I call you Jamie? It is such a lovely name. It reminds me of one of my all-time favorite television shows. The Bionic Woman. Jaime Sommers. Lindsay Wagner…God, I love that woman. On her recommendation, I recently purchased a Sleep Number 9000 bed. Do you have one of those? No? They are a luxurious combination of comfort and support. My number is 45. I sleep like a baby.
My dear friend Ronny Cox, with whom I worked way back in 1972, had the good fortune not too long ago of making a film with Ms. Wagner. What was it called? I pestered Ronny for details about what it was like to work with that fantastic woman. I hope someday to be so fortunate myself. I confess, there was a time when I actively pursued Ms. Wagner, but she rejected my every romantic advance. It leaves an emptiness in my soul that I fear shall never be filled.
I recall now. Frog and Wombat. Thankfully, the film title was not at all descriptive of its contents. I once had the misfortune of stepping in wombat guano and ruining an exquisite pair of leather shoes.
Amphibians terrify me. Although, not quite as much as raccoons.
Forgive me. Where are my manners? Can I get you something to drink? Some champagna, perhaps? Or would you like a snack? No? I have Cheez-Its in the pantry if you change your mind.
OK, then, let us discuss business. Let me say that I am honored to be considered for this position. Our national pastime is a sacred trust. Like the cinema, it has over time become ingrained into our collective national soul.
I am humbled, and yet excited, by the idea that you, Frank, and you, Jamie, and I, could come together. We could unite these two pillars of American culture. Baseball. Film.
They are so similar. You need good reviews to fill the seats. You must please the critics. You must bring the stars out in attendance. To create a buzz.
There are writers, and there are actors. A GM needs to be an actor. When the role calls for it, a GM needs charm the press. When the role calls for it, a GM needs to be cold, distant, and sinister. I can do both. Better than anybody.
Please excuse my temporary lack of modesty. I do not mean to boast, but at times, my emotions overtake me. I lose my head. I forget myself. I am sure a lovely couple such as yourselves can understand the intoxicating effects of passion.
Jamie. Frank. You have a fever. I am your prescription. Imagine, Dodger Stadium filled every night with A-List celebrities. Imagine your ballpark becoming a transcendent blend of America’s two greatest pastimes: baseball and stargazing. You simply must cast me. I am sure, with some time to contemplate my offer, you will come to agree with me. Come, let me walk you to the door. I shall hand you your coats. It has been such a pleasure meeting you. Let’s do this again. Please, have your people contact my people, and we will work out a deal.