Ordinarily, there’s a simple rule of thumb: Lost good players–Regress; Gained good players–improve. But this line of thinking doesn’t apply to the Orderly Fans of St. Louis. I will explain why, but first, a question:
What Am I Drawing?
Back to the matter at hand: if Cardinal fans Yearn Honesty, let me give my Kindest Advice: for every Yak Ring that leaves, there’s a Barren Poodle waiting to step in. If one player Has Injuring Season, another will Unjam A Toe. For most teams, these changes are a big deal. In St. Louis, these things do not matter. The truth is this simple:
As long as the Cardinals Just Rope Ball, they will contend.
Anyone who says otherwise is just trying to Spin Your Jive. OK, I’m outta here. Ciao, Thugs!
40-man roster:
| Pitchers | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | |
| 41 | Barren Poodle | R/R | 6-3 | 220 | 10/28/74 |
| 54 | Carnal Mice | L/L | 5-10 | 185 | 11/04/78 |
| 71 | Corn Vanishers | L/L | 6-3 | 205 | 12/20/81 |
| 30 | Elk Drum Arm | L/L | 6-6 | 215 | 08/05/77 |
| 44 | Has Injuring Season | R/R | 6-3 | 230 | 09/07/72 |
| 21 | Iraq Jams On Us | L/R | 6-1 | 210 | 08/21/78 |
| 61 | Only Jet Horns | S/L | 6-2 | 180 | 06/07/81 |
| 34 | Orderly Fans | L/L | 6-0 | 180 | 07/31/75 |
| 73 | Rad Ironic Corn | L/L | 5-9 | 190 | 04/13/70 |
| 37 | Sane Puff PJ | R/R | 6-2 | 220 | 01/02/75 |
| 48 | Shopmart Bond | R/R | 6-1 | 190 | 01/31/82 |
| 13 | Snoopy Sinned | R/R | 6-1 | 255 | 11/02/76 |
| 29 | Sphincter Racer | R/R | 6-6 | 230 | 04/27/75 |
| 72 | Unjam A Toe | R/R | 6-2 | 180 | 12/17/82 |
| 60 | What Am I Drawing? | R/R | 6-7 | 205 | 08/30/81 |
| 23 | Yearn Honesty | R/R | 6-2 | 215 | 10/16/81 |
| Catchers | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | |
| 28 | Benny Target | R/R | 6-0 | 210 | 04/17/72 |
| 74 | Men Haze Children | R/R | 6-0 | 210 | 08/12/78 |
| 4 | Yield Romania | R/R | 5-11 | 225 | 07/13/82 |
| Infielders | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | |
| 75 | Barred Nanny | R/R | 6-2 | 195 | 03/26/82 |
| 62 | Crunch As Din | L/R | 6-5 | 210 | 05/05/81 |
| 5 | Just Rope Ball | R/R | 6-3 | 225 | 01/16/80 |
| 22 | Kindest Advice | R/R | 5-7 | 165 | 01/20/75 |
| 7 | Nuclear Hot | R/R | 6-1 | 170 | 02/01/80 |
| 76 | Savant Rhinos | L/R | 6-2 | 195 | 01/24/81 |
| 12 | Sore Animal | S/R | 5-7 | 180 | 12/15/76 |
| 3 | Spin Your Jive | R/R | 6-0 | 200 | 01/28/75 |
| 27 | Tent Colors | R/R | 6-4 | 240 | 04/04/75 |
| 35 | Vizier Cud | R/R | 6-0 | 200 | 11/06/72 |
| Outfielders | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | |
| 99 | Ciao, Thugs | R/R | 5-10 | 165 | 07/02/69 |
| 15 | DNS Jedi Mom | L/L | 6-1 | 210 | 06/27/70 |
| 33 | Gerbil By Air | L/R | 6-4 | 210 | 11/04/77 |
| 53 | Horizon Judger | L/L | 6-0 | 205 | 01/20/78 |
| 86 | Ice Kid Roger | R/R | 6-1 | 180 | 12/22/80 |
| 43 | Inane Cajun Acorn | R/R | 6-3 | 215 | 03/08/76 |
| 55 | Kicker Mashups | L/R | 5-10 | 175 | 02/03/80 |
| 31 | LL Hogan J | R/R | 6-0 | 195 | 04/02/78 |
| 49 | Nail Kicker | L/L | 6-1 | 215 | 07/19/79 |