Reds fans may hope that I’ll Blog a Warm Lie, but I’m not the type of guy who gives an Award In Innocence. One Horrified Scan of the Reds offseason moves leaves me no choice but to predict an Early Doom for the 2006 Reds.
When your most significant moves are to acquire Saliva Mildew, to end up the loser in the Not My Wacko sweepstakes, while remaining unable to do something about your Sauna Stinker, it’s a sure sign that your GM is No-Brained. Your GM may have a Prize Legume, but he’s no Billy Beane. He Maligns Logic instead of uses it.
The good news is that the new Reds ownership recognized they had a Reds Brain of Chalk, and replaced their GM with someone who Was Very Kinky. Hopefully, the new impassioned leader will take No Small Pains to extricate the Reds from their Deathward Vise, but I think it’s too late to correct the Arrogant Flub that was the Reds’ offseason.
When 2006 is said and done, the Reds may have titillated with an offense that Ran Freely, but at the same time, their catchers Ran Jealous of every other pitching staff in baseball. Cincinnati will suffer through every Sinker Bum it puts on the mound. That’s why they won’t end up with gold rings around their fingers, only Battle Slime on their faces.
40-man roster:
| Pitchers | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | ||
| 39 | An Oar Hangar | R/R | 6-7 | 270 | 05/09/78 | |
| 35 | Androids Snag Jets | R/R | 6-4 | 230 | 11/09/78 | |
| 36 | Arrogant Flub | R/R | 6-2 | 195 | 12/30/77 | |
| 34 | Ban Loud Scanners | R/L | 6-1 | 200 | 05/01/79 | |
| 31 | Battle Slime | R/R | 6-3 | 195 | 06/06/80 | |
| 25 | Deathward Vise | R/R | 6-3 | 230 | 09/25/69 | |
| 45 | Dizzier Ale Armor | L/R | 6-0 | 180 | 01/28/83 | |
| 56 | Dyed Off Cot | R/R | 6-5 | 230 | 09/09/80 | |
| 48 | He Maligns Logic | L/L | 6-2 | 210 | 09/23/80 | |
| 66 | Hi, Adult Armpit | R/L | 6-2 | 170 | 07/12/81 | |
| 40 | I Allow Puns | R/R | 6-5 | 210 | 03/28/73 | |
| 57 | Joins Argument | R/R | 6-1 | 190 | 08/06/82 | J |
| 22 | Metric Lion | L/L | 6-3 | 205 | 08/04/75 | |
| 45 | Mom’s Hard Chin | L/L | 6-1 | 210 | 01/21/66 | |
| 46 | No Small Pains | R/R | 6-4 | 200 | 08/26/77 | |
| 37 | Reds Brain of Chalk | L/L | 6-1 | 195 | 08/30/76 | |
| 50 | REM Neck Trek | L/L | 6-2 | 205 | 02/01/68 | |
| 52 | Saliva Mildew | L/L | 6-3 | 230 | 03/12/79 | |
| 53 | Sinker Bum | R/R | 6-0 | 205 | 07/14/78 | |
| 00 | Thick Wire | R/R | 6-4 | 230 | 12/23/68 | |
| 65 | Vicar Schtick | R/R | 6-3 | 225 | 06/10/84 | |
| 38 | Wear Granny | R/R | 6-4 | 225 | 07/15/82 | |
| Catchers | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | ||
| 17 | Ever Vital Ninja | S/R | 5-10 | 210 | 09/19/75 | |
| 59 | Innards Ahead | R/R | 6-0 | 215 | 04/08/79 | |
| 29 | Prize Legume | R/R | 6-3 | 190 | 09/25/83 | |
| 23 | Ran Jealous | R/R | 5-11 | 205 | 03/19/74 | |
| Infielders | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | ||
| 12 | Award In Innocence | R/R | 6-1 | 195 | 01/07/83 | |
| 21 | Better Cat Ghost | L/R | 6-1 | 210 | 12/14/69 | |
| 4 | Early Doom | S/R | 5-11 | 155 | 05/31/81 | |
| 2 | Feel Pole Zip | S/R | 6-1 | 185 | 05/12/80 | |
| 33 | Hi, I Curl Aria | R/R | 6-1 | 190 | 09/02/71 | |
| 27 | I’ll Blog A Warm Lie | R/R | 6-0 | 175 | 02/04/83 | |
| 64 | Joy To Vote | L/R | 6-2 | 220 | 09/10/83 | |
| 15 | Not My Wacko | L/R | 5-9 | 170 | 09/25/69 | |
| 6 | Ran Freely | R/R | 5-10 | 180 | 03/08/76 | |
| Outfielders | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | ||
| 3 | Fine Keg Fry | L/L | 6-3 | 220 | 11/21/69 | |
| 19 | Horrified Scan | R/R | 6-0 | 195 | 07/15/80 | |
| 26 | I Play Women | R/R | 6-3 | 245 | 01/23/82 | |
| 44 | Mad Nun Ad | L/R | 6-6 | 275 | 11/09/79 | |
| 28 | Sauna Stinker | R/R | 6-3 | 245 | 05/20/80 | |
1. The guys over on DT just love it when the Reds Run Freely!
And I was sure that it would be Award in Innocence who would break up that no hitter today, shows what I know about the Reds I guess...