A’s DH Mike Piazza became a father over the weekend:

“Both baby and mother are doing fine,” Piazza’s rep, Josh Goldberg, said in a statement to PEOPLE.

Baby and mother? But..but…what about the FATHER? Why was he omitted from this statement? Is something wrong with him? Did he faint and hit his head in the delivery room? Did he suffer a concussion? Will he be ready for opening day? Or will he have to retire like Mike Matheny?

We’re sorry about Mr. Piazza’s unfortunate delivery room mishap, but nonetheless we send hearty Catfish Stew congratulations to the new father. He obviously thinks ahead with great planning and timing, unlike some other old fools. Less thoughtful men may find themselves missing Opening Day, or spending the heart of their season changing the diapers of newborn half-Swedes instead of playing in the British Open or covering Frank Thomas’ return to Oakland. Such men should be ashamed.