Mitchell Report Appendix E: Steroid Facts and 2007 Photo Outtakes
by Ken Arneson
2007-12-14 7:48
  1. Steroids give you hallucinations.
  2. Steroids lead to excessive photon absorbtion, exposing you to harmful doses of ultraviolet radiation.
  3. Steroids cause smog and odd-colored sunsets.
  4. Steroids cause holes in the ozone layer.
  5. Steroids are responsible for global warming and the melting of the Arctic ice cap.
  6. Steroids cause hurricanes.
  7. Steroids cause federal agencies to respond very slowly to natural disasters.
  8. Steroids render intelligence agencies unable to distinguish between Iran and Iraq, and to get confused about which one is working on creating WMDs.
  9. Steroids are why Bono still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.
  10. Steroids render you unable to distinguish between an iPod and a Zune.
  11. Steroids explain the existence of people who like Dave Matthews.
  12. One dose and you yelled, "Timber! Watch out for flying glass!" Your ceiling fell in and your bottom fell out, you went into a spin and you started to shout, "I’ve been hit! This is it! Damn, that zit! Anyone want to buy some authentic backne signed by Raul Padron?"
  13. Backne is gross.
  14. Steroids make you grow back hair.
  15. Back hair is gross.
  16. Steroids make your hairstyle indistiguishable from chia pets.
  17. Steroids make the sky look like Bobby Kielty’s hair.
  18. There is no evidence that Bobby Kielty ever took steroids himself, but if he did, he only took the right-handed ones.
  19. Adam Everett’s glove took steroids, but his bat didn’t appreciate the peer pressure, and refused to participate.
  20. Steroids make people make up ridiculous facts about steroids and write them down.
Comments: 24
1.   MC Safety
2007-12-14 08:09

1.  ROFL. Thanks for that.

2.   Ken Arneson
2007-12-14 08:15

2.  1 Steroids cause people to not get that Fact #20 means that they are supposed to add their own ridiculous facts about steroids in these comments.

3.   dianagramr
2007-12-14 08:21

3.  Steroids make you invade other countries based of faulty "intelligence".

4.   Ken Arneson
2007-12-14 08:26

4.  3 Steroids make you rephrase previously-told jokes.

5.   Sushirabbit
2007-12-14 08:52

5.  Steroids make you blame everything on steroids.

6.   dianagramr
2007-12-14 08:52

6.  4

OK .... how about "Steroids make you make claims about people using steroids based on questionable 'intelligence'"

7.   Ken Arneson
2007-12-14 09:01

7.  6 Steroids enhance your joke-telling performances.

8.   Dane Bramage
2007-12-14 09:09

8.  There is no evidence that Juan Pierre ever took steroids himself, but if he did, he only took the ones well past their expiration date.

9.   Shotupthemiddle
2007-12-14 09:20

9.  Steroids made the entire population turn into mutated freaky monsters, leaving Will Smith as the only man left on earth....

10.   dianagramr
2007-12-14 09:22

10.  Steroids decreased Derek Jeter's range to a negative number.

11.   Aaron in RF
2007-12-14 09:45

11.  Steroids cause rising subprime foreclosures.

Steroids lead to massive bank write-downs.

Steroids lead to the structuring of credit risk and the sale of that risk to those least able to understand it.

Steroids made the Florida Local Government Pool halt withdrawals.

Steroids cause a massive lengthening in the Presidential campaign cycle, debate proliferation and an explosion in campaign financing costs.

12.   doppelganger
2007-12-14 09:55

12.  Steroids cause you to compulsively critique steroid related jokes.

13.   Ken Arneson
2007-12-14 10:33

13.  Steroids make my five-month-old daughter type this:

,87vhjjjj vbdbyh nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn hmn vhhbjnnnnnnnnn v dddddd nnhhnnbbbbbbbbbbbbb y hbu er5rc

14.   BALCO Lab Rats
2007-12-14 10:40

14.  Steroids cause the Montreal Expos to become the Washington Nationals.

15.   BALCO Lab Rats
2007-12-14 10:45

15.  Steroids cause ballplayers to sign autographs for free.

16.   dianagramr
2007-12-14 10:48

16.  Steroids caused Peter Magowan to mistake Barry Zito for Johan Santana.

17.   Jon Ericson
2007-12-14 11:46

17.  "Steroids", said repeatedly, ceases to become a meaningful word because of the damaging effects of steroids. Steroids, steroids, steroids.

18.   Tom
2007-12-14 12:07

18.  Steroids are responsible for the ending of No Country for Old Men.

19.   kylepetterson
2007-12-14 13:50

19.  You can lead a horse to water, Steroids can make it drink.

20.   Ember Nickel
2007-12-14 14:11

20.  #0. Steroids distort the space-time continuum.

21.   Philip Michaels
2007-12-14 14:52

21.  Steroids framed Lee Harvey Oswald.

22.   Philip Michaels
2007-12-14 14:59

22.  Steroids made Billy Beane trade Dan Haren to Arizona.

Well, not really. But the trade did go through.

http://tinyurl.com/3y3x24

23.   Chiron Brown
2007-12-14 15:15

23.  Steroids made Pete Rose bet on baseball games.
Steroids made Fred Merkle stop running.
Steroids kept African-Americans out of baseball until Jackie Robinson broke the steroid barrier.
Steroids made Harry Frazee sell Babe Ruth to the Yankees
Steroids made the Houston Astros wear horrible uniforms in the 1970's.
Steroids made Bill Buckner unable to bend over.

24.   68elcamino427
2007-12-14 22:39

24.  Steroids made the rebus puzzle disappear.

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