Turner on, Turner off:
Thirteen consecutive
NL East titles will
Finally stop.

Bullpen deficiency
Outfieldanemia
Fatally killing the
Tomahawk chop.

 
Citizen pitizen:
Have to feel sorry for
Fans of the Phillies who
Think they will win.

Unlieberthalian
Hitting is decent, but
Unlieberjonian
Pitching is thin.

 
Becketty, Bumpity:
Florida’s pitchers are
Gifted but fragile, so
Handle with care.

Carlos Delgado will
Hit thirty homers but
Average fifteen when he’s
Teamed with Pierre.

 
Vita-Minayamin:
Adding great talent like
Carlos and Pedro will
Lift up New York.

Only to fall when their
Octogenarians
Act like their age and get
Stuck with a fork.

 
Youppi less, Yuppie more:
Moving to Washington
Gives ’em a ballpark with
Fans in the seats.

Wilkerson answers quite
Enthusiastically,
Leading the Nats to the
Fewest defeats.

Mulder continues his yips.
Izzy has pain in the hips.
Carpenter, Morris
Join in the chorus
Of Cardinals with injury trips.

A plantar faciitis attack
Knocks Pujols off of his track.
Then what finally got ’em
Down to the bottom
Is when Rolen’s bad knee strains his back.

 
What is an offense to do
When Sosa is gone, and Alou?
Um, nothing, I guess.
The lineup’s a mess.
The runs the Cubs score will be few.

Which is fine if the pitching is good.
But when Prior is hurt, and then Wood,
And when no one can close,
You’ll know how it goes:
You’ll finish much worse than you should.

 
The Astros lost Beltran and Kent
While Bagwell and Biggio went
And got older.
The team made no bolder
Move than to pay Roger’s rent.

With talent like that down the drain
They need to allow Burke and Lane
To develop their skill.
But I’m not sure they will.
Fourth is the best they’ll attain.

 
Last year’s whole outfield returns;
Dunn, Pena, Griffey and Kearns,
It seems such a waste
That one gets displaced
I guess that they’ll have to take turns.

Too bad one can’t fill a niche
The Reds need, like maybe, say, pitch?
They have enough pop
To hit to the top,
But the arms are a third-rated glitch.

 
It is the belief of this blog
That Williams, Redman and Fogg
Will trade W’s and L’s
Leaving Perez and Wells
To be the pitching staff cogs.

Then all that remains for McClendon
Is to get some more hitters to blendon
With Wilson and Bay
Then Pittsburgh can say
They’re a team that is always contendon.

 
The Brewers have guys in the pipe
Who’ve been give a whole lot of hype.
Some say, “Not yet”,
But I’m gonna bet
This is the year they turn ripe.

With Davis and Sheets at their peaks,
When Hardy, Prince Fielder and Weeks
Start to mature,
The crown is secure,
And wins will come often in streaks.

First, Klesko and Nevin complain
That hitting at Petco’s a pain.
Next Giles and Greene
Go venting their spleen:
The batters start going insane.

With straitjackets on, it is hard
To hit the ball out of the yard
Then you slam into walls
But they’re padded so you can’t hurt yourself which makes you angry because you want to slam into something and have painful falls
But they won’t let you
They’re out to get you
They just want to keep you down
They want to see you frown
They want to define your borders
And when you don’t let them they say you have disorders
They want to control your head
So you laugh at them hahahahahahahahaha instead
Then you spit in their face
And they tell you “that’s why we have to keep you locked down here in last place”
Which madly, you still disregard.

 
When Gagne has pain in his arm
The Dodgers should sound the alarm.
He’s so messianic
Without him, they’ll panic
And say whatdowedowhatdowedowhatdowedo until they gather themselves for a moment and look for a replacement down on the farm.

And panic again ohnoohno when they find
That Gagne is one of a kind.
Without him, they’re stuck.
They’ll probably suck
And fourth place is where they’re consigned.

 
The Giants lose Bonds the Apostle.
But panic? No, they will be docile.
You can contend
With losing a friend
When you’re as old as a fossil.

The pitchers, like Lowry and Schmidt,
Won’t let the Giants just quit.
They won’t be deterred,
But they’ll finish in third.
Without Bonds, they simply can’t hit.

 
The Dbacks improved by degrees
When Randy’s great arm and bad knees
Brought Vazquez and Green,
While the free agent scene
Yielded Troy Glaus and Ortiz.

When three teams above them have aches,
That is good news for the Snakes.
They won’t go from worst
Clear up to first,
But they’ll certainly get better breaks.

 
The Rockies are Helton and…who?
They have an anonymous crew.
Atkins and Mohr
Will help the team score,
While Francis and Tsao will debut.

The team here that has the best health
Is likely to claim all the wealth.
The talented Rox
Will send out some shocks
By winning the West under stealth.

How many decades until
The Red Sox repeat such a thrill?
This year, Murphy’s Law
Will refuse to withdraw.
All things that could go wrong, will.

Last year’s team was a best-seller.
The story this year is less stellar.
They’ll find ways to lose,
With constant bad news,
And end by themselves in the cellar.

 
The noise about Jason’s confession
Has served as a welcome digression
To the forthcoming news
About Yankee blues:
The team has begun its regression.

The Yankees will have a good start,
Then old guys will all fall apart.
This team isn’t deep;
Their drop will be steep;
Then Cashman gets forced to depart.

 
With Sosa, Tejada, Palmeiro,
Their scoreboard won’t show a sombrero;
Runs will be plentiful,
And sometimes be twentiful,
But their ace ain’t exactly too narrow.

With Ponson–and who else have they got?
Javy will live in his squat.
Each run that they wield,
Their pitchers will yield.
Third place is Baltimore’s lot.

 
Now that the Jays own their dome,
And their turf is less concrete, more foam,
I predict the team gels
While Hinske and Wells
Drive hundreds of baserunners home.

Roy will return to an ace,
Lilly will follow his pace.
Down to the letter,
This team will be better
And end in a strong second place.

 
Their dome is an ugly umbrella,
But it’s sure fun to watch Lou Piniella.
I think Tampa Bay
In a shocking display,
Is baseball’s brand new Cinderella.

With Kazmir, the starters will rise;
The bullpen will be a surprise;
And with Aubrey’s eruption,
Combined with some Uption,
The Rays win the ultimate prize.

Oh Johan, my Johan Santana!
There’s no one like Johan Santana!
Johan Santana!
Johan Santana!
Three cheers for Johan Santana!

He’s where the Central begins.
Too bad the rest of the Twins
Will fall in a ditch
Forget how to pitch,
And fight to get fifty-five wins.

 
Been hearing that quite a few scribes
Have taken to picking the Tribe.
They should not be believed.
You’re being decieved.
Those writers have all taken bribes.

The Millwood deal was a mistake.
When fluke years by Hafner and Blake
And Westbrook revert,
Then others get hurt,
It’s fourth for the team at the Jake.

 
Though Percy was packing his bags
To join up with I-Rod and Maggs,
This team still is boring.
They’ll have trouble scoring.
I doubt they will win any flags.

And while Bonderman’s one to behold,
All of those veterans are old.
To not finish third
It is strongly preferred
That you have some young stars in your fold.

 
Get rid of the fat, slow, and surly!
The White Sox will run now, both early
and later,
A great run creator
To add to Garcia and Buehrle!

But will all of that speed be enough
To win a division so tough?
From what I have reckoned,
They’ll still finish second,
They lack a few arms with good stuff.

 
Except for Santana the Twinkie
The pitcher who is the least stinky
Is a young pitcher who
Now wears Royal blue
And goes by the name of Zack Greinke.

And although their lineup’s not pretty
Pena will have them be gritty.
They’ll play the game right,
Win every key fight;
The Central will crown Kansas City.

In Oakland, the new billionaire in
The owner’s box won’t put a scare in
The other teams’ eyes
Like the two traded guys.
Nor will Blanton or Meyer or Haren.

Beane set his old team ablaze.
Now last place belongs to the A’s.
When each rookie tanks
They’re less like the Yanks
And more like poor Royals or Rays.

 
Angeles Angelheim Los?
Well, Arte Moreno’s the boss.
He’ll start a new era
With Finley, Cabrera;
Not Percival, Eckstein, or Glaus.

Although they’re the team to be watched,
I predict that their year will be botched.
It may sound absurd,
But they’ll finish third
‘Cause first base is Darrened, not Kotched.

 
The Mariners’ staff lacks an ace.
I fear that they’ll fall off the pace
‘Til Felix the King
Readies his wing
And brings them back into the race.

Until that time, Beltre and Sexson
Will be raking the Mariners’ checks in.
These powerful swingers
Will hit lots of dingers
But less than the team that is Texan.

 
So now it is time to declare a
Completely new AL West era
Where Texas is ruling.
Am I April Fooling
With Blalock and Young and Teixeira?

Lying is simply immoral.
No one should have any quarrel
With Arlington’s bats,
And a pitching staff that’s
Led by the wisdom of Orel.

While people ignored Donald Fehr’s warning about gene doping,

thinking it’s just science fiction or wishful hoping,

 
and focused on McGwire as he fell from liked to disliked faster than anyone since Kirby,

today we learned that David Cassidy wants to win the Kentucky Derby.

 
And even though I doubt Mr. Cassidy would make a very fast horse,

genetically altering an athlete’s species is not something I can ever endorse.

 
But at least now we know that if Fehr was right about genetic manipulation, the first sign we’ll see

is a thoroughbred in a pear tree.

 
* * *

 
Bobby Fischer, the old master of chess,

found a unique way to escape a mess:

 
after spending eight months jailed in Japan

because he ignored a US government ban

 
against playing chess in Yugoslavia back in 1992,

after which the US government withdrew

 
his passport, meaning he’d entered Japan illegally,

he found one country to treat him regally:

 
the one country that revered him the most,

the one country that played the host

 
to Fischer’s greatest cold war success

the most famous ever matchup in chess.

 
Iceland accepted Fischer’s application

to become a citizen of their island nation,

 
and thereby effectively thwarted

America’s plans to have Fischer deported.

 
The US government found it hard to swallow.

“If the resolutions of the world are to be more than ink on paper, they must be enforced. If the institutions of the world are to be more than debating societies, they must eventually act. If the world promises serious consequences for the defiance of the lawless, then serious consequences must follow,”

 
American President Bush once said in Australia about Iraq.

No word on how long before the US will attack;

 
The military doesn’t like to give out its plans in advance.

But there can be no doubt: Iceland is America’s new France,

 
rivalled in its evil by only bin Laden, al Qaeda, North Korea, Iran,

and Major League Baseball’s anti-steroid plan.

He stole bases, got hits, and he walked.
His glovework was great. He seemed locked
Towards the Hall.
But his health hit a wall,
And then there’s that loogie he hocked.

Will Thursday’s congressional hearing
On the chemical reengineering
Of the bodies of players
Lead to more layers
Of federal law interfering?

The players and owners agreed:
“There currently isn’t a need
For new regulations.
Our pure motivations
Are enough to ensure we’ll succeed.”

Canseco, who’d written a book
Admitting the steroids he took,
Was boldly dissenting.
“They’re misrepresenting;
Believe them, and you are a schnook.”

Said players: “Consider the source.
A career with a bitter divorce.
He’s spent time in jail.
His honor’s for sale.
He’s a man without any remorse.”

Congressional leaders weren’t buying.
“Think of the kids who are dying!
Unless from each hero
The drug use is zero,
More and more youth will be trying.”

“To answer your questions,” said Schilling,
“We’ll solve this, and someday, God willing,
I’ll be voted up there
To a senator’s chair,
And that will feel much more fulfilling.”

Palmeiro propounded, “It’s true.
Whatever Curt said, we should do.
He has my respect.
I’m sure he’s correct.”
While Sosa supplied a “Me, too.”

The positive-spinner McGwire
Said, “Labels like ‘cheater’ and ‘liar’
Are excessively crappy.
Instead, let’s be happy,
And not discuss incidents prior.”

The panel discussed the new deal,
And found it was somewhat surreal.
It hadn’t existed
‘Til arms had been twisted!
Was someone asleep at the wheel?

“I don’t want to sound like a jerk,
But that’s how these labor deals work,”
Manfred explained.
“A deal is obtained,
And later it’s typed by some clerk.”

The Congress kept up its critique.
“The punishments here are too weak!
Five strikes you’re out
Is a deal with no clout
To stop the next phony physique.”

“I certainly want stronger testing,”
said Selig. “And I’m not suggesting
We name any names,
Or give players the blame,
But strictness is what I’m requesting.”

The fuss ends up falling on Fehr.
He’ll never, of course, volunteer
That the union’s at fault.
Any chief worth his salt
Unerringly knows where to steer.

And so, when the actors departed,
I felt I was back where I started.
Unsure who to blame,
Who to trust with the game,
Just sour and sad and sick-hearted.

Baseball Musings:

Only two days into the existence of the universe, and God makes the firmament. It should be interesting to find out what He does with it.

Update: On the third day, God makes dry land and adds some plants, too. I wonder, how will they photosynthesize in all this darkness?

Update: God creates light on the fourth.

Mike’s Baseball Rants:

Sometimes the old traditions get it right.

The seven-day week is one of those traditions. The intention was that people would work hard for six days, and rest the seventh. But now people are resting the sixth day, as well.

Now you only get five days of productivity per seven days, instead of six.
That’s a difference of 85.7% – 71.4% = 14.3 percentage points, or a 16.6% drop
in productivity.

If God had been 16.6% less efficient, we would have no animals, and no people. That sixth day can really make a difference.

Let us examine the productivity levels of the various work/rest permutations. Here we have one day of rest:

Notice, even a four-day week is better than the 5/2 week we currently have, and a three-day week isn’t much worse.

If we insist on retaining two consecutive days off, we’d have to
work 12 consecutive days to reach the original level of productivity of the
6/1 week:

And what about three-day weekends?

Now who would want to work eighteen days in a row? Clearly, if we want
an optimal balance between productivity and rest we should behold the sixth
day. It is very good.

Batgirl:

Batgirl’s boyfriend of the day is Adam. Adam came up with all the names for the animals:

“And I’ll call you Pandy, and you Stripy, and you Bunny and you Wooly, and you Moomoo.”

Poor Adam had to sleep alone. Batgirl felt sorry for him.

But then one day, a miracle happened! Adam got a girlfriend!

No, it wasn’t Batgirl, alas.

Will Carroll:

Adam needed to have a rib removed, and would normally have been expected to miss six to eight weeks. But God used a new surgical technique to close up the flesh instead thereof. Adam is now considered day-to-day.

Athletics Nation:

Blez: Where are you?
Adam: I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was
naked; and I hid myself.

Blez: Who told you you were naked? Did you eat of the tree that
Billy Beane commanded you not to eat?
Adam: The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree,
and I did eat.

Blez: Eve, what is this that you have done?
Eve: The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

Humbug

God orders, “Don’t eat the fruit!”
Snake says, “You’ll be more astute!”
The pair take a bite,
They learn wrong from right,
Then God gives the sinners the boot.

The news is that I will be switchin’
The web site where I fill my niche in.
To this house I have come
To bug all my hum
As one of the cooks in their kitchen.

…and the robots who eat them.

The Sneeze is definitely going onto the next version of the Periodic Table. Unless, of course, I get crushed by a giant falling donut before I can get around to updating it.

It’s been weeks since I last made a post.
Did you think that I gave up the ghost?
It’s just hard to find time
To make up a rhyme
While fixing to go make some toast.

What’s the relationship between Humbug and BS? Now we know. (This link is rated R for language).

I have a beta version of the 2005 Fantasy Baseball Draft Simulator available now. Requires Flash.

I didn’t fix any of last year’s incomplete features. All I did was update the list of players. In other words, it’s still beta software. But clunky and inelegant as it is, it does seem to work.

I might complete those features someday, but I wouldn’t count on it. I’m a busy guy these days.

Email me (toaster @ humbug.com), though, if you find a showstopping bug. I’ll try to fix those.

I should have the 2005 fantasy draft simulator ready in a couple of days.

In making this simulator, I consolidate a bunch of internet fantasy and statistical projections. I focus primarily on the starting lineups, since starters are mostly all we really care about for fantasy purposes.

To give you a bit of fun until then, here are some consolidated statistical projections for each team’s offensive starting lineup. I’ll just sort here by GPA, which should be a decent enough way to rank the teams. Pitchers not included. This is just a cheap toy. For serious toys, more assembly is required.

Anything surprise you? I was surprised by:

• Positive side: Phillies and A’s. I probably shouldn’t have been surprised by the Phillies being fifth, but I was. The A’s won’t have a lot of power, but having Kendall and Ginter instead of Miller and Scutaro improves the OBP quite a bit.
   
• Negative side: White Sox and Angels. The Lee-for-Podsednik deal doesn’t look too good for the Chisox here. The Angels could defy these rankings; they are projected for the sixth-lowest OBP, but the fourth-highest batting average. Because of that, I’d guess they’ll actually end up closer to the middle in runs scored than the bottom.

Big Unit to Big Apple
Shoves Vazquez out the door.
Vance Wilson to the Tigers.
The Rockies ask for Mohr.
Desi, too, to Denver.
Ismael nabs the Fish.
The Mets, the Cubs and Astros
Have Beltran as their wish.
Zaun is back at SkyDome.
Put Grudz in Cardinal red.
But Green’s still sporting Dodger blue
His deal is likely dead.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim:
I love that extravagant phrase!
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim:
Unrivaled by M’s or by A’s!
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim:
Sounds juicy and squishy and lush!
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim:
I think I’ve developed a crush!
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim:
I’d love to be cheering behind them.
But Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim?
I’m not quite sure where I would find them.

In Oakland’s first trade to acquire
A player whose name was Dan Meyer,
Rich Bordi, the bait,
Wasn’t so great.
This time the price was much higher.

Today, let us compare quotes between George Will’s essay on steroids in baseball, and The Klingon Way: A Warrior’s Guide”.

Will: “[Baseball] is the greatest topic of conversation America has produced.”
Klingon: “Great deeds, great songs.”

Will: “A large majority of players are honorable or prudent or both.”
Klingon: “Klingons are a proud race, and we intend to go on being proud.”

Will: “Professional athletes stand at an apex of achievement because they have paid a price in disciplined exertion — a manifestation of good character.”
Klingon: “Admire the person with dirt under his fingernails.”

Will: “They do not use steroids, which are dangerous as well as dishonorable.”
Klingon: “One does not achieve honor while acting dishonorably.”

Will: ” Athletes chemically propelled to victory do not merely overvalue winning, they misunderstand why winning is properly valued.”
Klingon: “We fight to enrich the spirit.”

Will: “And surely all non-cheating players dislike playing under the cloud of suspicion that their achievements are tainted.”
Klingon: “The Klingon who kills without showing his face has no honor.”

Will: “So he faces a choice of jeopardizing either his career or his health.”
Klingon: “To really succeed, you must enjoy eating poison.”

Will: “Now baseball’s third era is ending — the era of disgracefully lively players.”
Klingon: “Destroying an empire to win a war is no victory.”