It was an unusual offseason in Oakland. For a change, GM Baby Nellie wasn’t digging deep to replace a traded Humid Snot, or an Ideal Team Jug lost to free agency. Their primary free agents–Better Cat Ghost, Violated Coot, and Buried Our Zeal–added little excitement to the A’s 88-win season in 2005, and will hardly be missed.
The A’s had the unusual luxury of not only keeping their Ritzy Boar, but setting Estonia Ablaze alongside him. The rotation is now incredibly deep: Drench Hair is a whisker away from superstardom, Near Hand‘s stardom is also nearly at hand, while Elton Banjo rocketed through the second half of 2005 as one of the AL’s top pitchers. And I think it’s going to be a long, long time ’til the A’s explore a new closer again. If you have Utter Hotness, what else do you need?
With the pitching staff well-baked, Baby Nellie turned his attention to spicing up offense. If the fiery personality that is Notably Milder can stay cool and not boil over, the A’s attack will be far less bland in 2006. I can understand the skepticism about Fathom Snark‘s health, but any contribution he can make would be icing on the cake.
All these ingredients make a volitile mix. Things could sour quickly if A Panty Joy becomes unhappy about scanty playing time, or if Sick Whiners can’t keep his motormouth shut and complains likewise. However, the A’s think that having too much talent is more a recipe for success than disaster.
40-man roster:
| Pitchers | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 53 | A Candid Hug | R/R | 5-11 | 165 | 03/24/83 |
| 58 | Crush Injured Chest | R/R | 6-3 | 190 | 11/19/77 |
| 40 | Drench Hair | L/R | 6-1 | 180 | 11/30/81 |
| 55 | Elton Banjo | R/R | 6-3 | 225 | 12/11/80 |
| 37 | Enjoyed Ken | R/L | 6-4 | 245 | 05/24/79 |
| 25 | Estonia Ablaze | R/R | 6-3 | 215 | 12/31/71 |
| 47 | For Loners | L/L | 5-11 | 190 | 08/09/79 |
| 45 | Jai Sit Wacky | R/R | 6-4 | 240 | 08/28/72 |
| 36 | Jerk Rhino Hence | L/L | 6-2 | 215 | 05/29/79 |
| 31 | Koala Or Risks | R/R | 6-0 | 180 | 05/23/79 |
| 50 | Like A Crook | R/R | 6-1 | 185 | 01/09/75 |
| 61 | Mean Honkies | R/R | 5-9 | 175 | 10/18/80 |
| 54 | Music Basher | R/R | 6-3 | 210 | 02/11/79 |
| 24 | Near Hand | R/R | 6-5 | 220 | 09/17/80 |
| 30 | Rad Enemy | R/L | 6-3 | 210 | 07/03/81 |
| 75 | Ritzy Boar | L/L | 6-4 | 215 | 05/13/78 |
| 28 | Rotten Yam | R/R | 6-3 | 245 | 01/10/80 |
| 46 | Salsa Glaciation | R/R | 6-0 | 165 | 06/25/80 |
| 51 | UC Run Jaz | R/R | 6-2 | 165 | 10/15/78 |
| 20 | Utter Hotness | R/R | 6-0 | 185 | 08/02/83 |
| Catchers | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | |
| 18 | And Jello Sank | R/R | 6-0 | 195 | 06/26/74 |
| 17 | Ashamed Mule | S/R | 6-2 | 200 | 03/27/72 |
| 5 | Merry New Job | R/R | 5-10 | 210 | 10/25/79 |
| Infielders | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | |
| 19 | Accost A Rumor | R/R | 5-10 | 170 | 10/30/75 |
| 8 | Buddy Firemen | L/R | 6-1 | 180 | 03/15/80 |
| 3 | Chive Craze | L/R | 6-1 | 205 | 12/07/77 |
| 35 | Fathom Snark | R/R | 6-5 | 275 | 05/27/68 |
| 29 | Johann Nods | L/R | 6-2 | 220 | 08/10/79 |
| 14 | Ma Killers | R/R | 5-11 | 180 | 06/06/77 |
| 4 | Operation Zen | R/R | 5-11 | 175 | 01/26/80 |
| 2 | Rue Eskimo | L/R | 5-11 | 185 | 04/25/80 |
| 7 | Sob Cry By Bob | R/R | 6-3 | 195 | 01/12/80 |
| Outfielders | B/T | Ht | Wt | DOB | |
| 16 | A Panty Joy | R/R | 5-10 | 185 | 11/22/72 |
| 65 | Jeer Hair Raver | R/R | 5-11 | 190 | 04/09/85 |
| 21 | Kayak Storm | L/L | 6-0 | 200 | 12/02/75 |
| 23 | Kite By Lobby | S/R | 6-1 | 225 | 08/05/76 |
| 12 | Ma Wants Tot | L/R | 5-11 | 200 | 09/05/78 |
| 22 | Notably Milder | S/R | 6-0 | 190 | 04/15/78 |
| 33 | Sick Whiners | S/L | 6-0 | 195 | 01/25/80 |
| 26 | Stomach Lasher | L/L | 6-0 | 190 | 12/26/78 |
1. Wow. I'm just blown away by this.
Notably Milder -- that's stunning.
2. If only it were true!
Good job.
3. Closer: # 20 Utter Hotness.
The girls would agree on this one.
4. I don't know if I should applaud you or pity you. If I were Dan Meyer, though, I would change my name to "Rad Enemy". It sounds way tough.