Offseason Anagram Wrap: Athletics
by Score Bard
2006-02-18 12:12

It was an unusual offseason in Oakland. For a change, GM Baby Nellie wasn’t digging deep to replace a traded Humid Snot, or an Ideal Team Jug lost to free agency. Their primary free agents–Better Cat Ghost, Violated Coot, and Buried Our Zeal–added little excitement to the A’s 88-win season in 2005, and will hardly be missed.

The A’s had the unusual luxury of not only keeping their Ritzy Boar, but setting Estonia Ablaze alongside him. The rotation is now incredibly deep: Drench Hair is a whisker away from superstardom, Near Hand‘s stardom is also nearly at hand, while Elton Banjo rocketed through the second half of 2005 as one of the AL’s top pitchers. And I think it’s going to be a long, long time ’til the A’s explore a new closer again. If you have Utter Hotness, what else do you need?

With the pitching staff well-baked, Baby Nellie turned his attention to spicing up offense. If the fiery personality that is Notably Milder can stay cool and not boil over, the A’s attack will be far less bland in 2006. I can understand the skepticism about Fathom Snark‘s health, but any contribution he can make would be icing on the cake.

All these ingredients make a volitile mix. Things could sour quickly if A Panty Joy becomes unhappy about scanty playing time, or if Sick Whiners can’t keep his motormouth shut and complains likewise. However, the A’s think that having too much talent is more a recipe for success than disaster.

40-man roster:

Pitchers B/T Ht Wt DOB
53 A Candid Hug R/R 5-11 165 03/24/83
58 Crush Injured Chest R/R 6-3 190 11/19/77
40 Drench Hair L/R 6-1 180 11/30/81
55 Elton Banjo R/R 6-3 225 12/11/80
37 Enjoyed Ken R/L 6-4 245 05/24/79
25 Estonia Ablaze R/R 6-3 215 12/31/71
47 For Loners L/L 5-11 190 08/09/79
45 Jai Sit Wacky R/R 6-4 240 08/28/72
36 Jerk Rhino Hence L/L 6-2 215 05/29/79
31 Koala Or Risks R/R 6-0 180 05/23/79
50 Like A Crook R/R 6-1 185 01/09/75
61 Mean Honkies R/R 5-9 175 10/18/80
54 Music Basher R/R 6-3 210 02/11/79
24 Near Hand R/R 6-5 220 09/17/80
30 Rad Enemy R/L 6-3 210 07/03/81
75 Ritzy Boar L/L 6-4 215 05/13/78
28 Rotten Yam R/R 6-3 245 01/10/80
46 Salsa Glaciation R/R 6-0 165 06/25/80
51 UC Run Jaz R/R 6-2 165 10/15/78
20 Utter Hotness R/R 6-0 185 08/02/83
Catchers B/T Ht Wt DOB
18 And Jello Sank R/R 6-0 195 06/26/74
17 Ashamed Mule S/R 6-2 200 03/27/72
5 Merry New Job R/R 5-10 210 10/25/79
Infielders B/T Ht Wt DOB
19 Accost A Rumor R/R 5-10 170 10/30/75
8 Buddy Firemen L/R 6-1 180 03/15/80
3 Chive Craze L/R 6-1 205 12/07/77
35 Fathom Snark R/R 6-5 275 05/27/68
29 Johann Nods L/R 6-2 220 08/10/79
14 Ma Killers R/R 5-11 180 06/06/77
4 Operation Zen R/R 5-11 175 01/26/80
2 Rue Eskimo L/R 5-11 185 04/25/80
7 Sob Cry By Bob R/R 6-3 195 01/12/80
Outfielders B/T Ht Wt DOB
16 A Panty Joy R/R 5-10 185 11/22/72
65 Jeer Hair Raver R/R 5-11 190 04/09/85
21 Kayak Storm L/L 6-0 200 12/02/75
23 Kite By Lobby S/R 6-1 225 08/05/76
12 Ma Wants Tot L/R 5-11 200 09/05/78
22 Notably Milder S/R 6-0 190 04/15/78
33 Sick Whiners S/L 6-0 195 01/25/80
26 Stomach Lasher L/L 6-0 190 12/26/78
Comments: 4
1.   Sam DC
2006-02-18 12:27

1.  Wow. I'm just blown away by this.

Notably Milder -- that's stunning.

2.   Slikk
2006-02-18 12:50

2.  If only it were true!

Good job.

3.   Kenny
2006-02-18 14:24

3.  Closer: # 20 Utter Hotness.

The girls would agree on this one.

4.   kylepetterson
2006-02-18 15:35

4.  I don't know if I should applaud you or pity you. If I were Dan Meyer, though, I would change my name to "Rad Enemy". It sounds way tough.

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