Because I’m retaining Scott Boras
I’ll hold out, and not join the chorus
With new homes online.
If you want me to sign,
Bid a mil and a golden thesaurus.

The Red Sox had to overpay
To make their problem go away.
The good news is that Jason Bay
Is in Boston, not a Ray.

Manny’s act is in L.A.
What will Torre have to say
To keep the clubhouse in array
When Pierre and Jones don’t get to play?

Pittsburgh shouts, "Callooh! Callay!
Two LaRoches in the fray!"
The team’s no longer gone astray.
The Pirates’ future starts today.

The best way the Yankees can judge
That the barter that garnered them Pudge
Did better than suck
Is the instant it struck
The Sox and the Rays barked, "Oh, Fudge!"

Texas has prospects to watch.
The Angels are better a notch.
But Atlanta’s a botch,
They only got Kotch
And a titleless kick in the crotch.

If after our late-season swoon,
Our team plays aloofly through June,
He should be dismissed.
You think he’ll resist
A release by the light of the moon?

"Has Johan been traded?" "Not yet."
"A Yankee? A Red Sox?" "A Met!"
"Who’d the Twins get?"
"Some kids we’ll forget,
But to pay, Shea’s gone way into debt."

No matter where I go, baseball is always on my mind. Time again to demonstrate this with another slideshow: Score Bard’s 2007 Top 25 Baseball Player Names and Vacation Photos.

Note for low bandwidthers: this slideshow is a 1.5MB Flash file.

Continue…

I’m not gone, just on hiatus.

Meanwhile, I have updated the Periodic Table of Blogs (a fact which is apparently worthy of news status on Baseball Think Factory), as well as fed the latest rosters to the Random Diamond Note Generator.

Your week has been rough, Mr. Met,
And I see that you’re very upset.
But nobody blames you
For losing those games, you
Are still our dear round-headed pet.

I know you envision the threat
That a tabloid or local gazette
Will find you at fault
And launch an assault
On your wonderful spherical tête.

That will not happen, I’ll bet.
They’re looking for someone to get,
But try to imagine
If you were Tom Glavine–
Now there is a guy who should sweat.

The Peterson/Randolph duet;
Minaya–plus Phillips, Duquette–
It’s always the leaders
That newspaper readers
Catch in their scapegoating net.

Don’t do a thing you’ll regret.
A mascot has no need to fret.
You’re not the guy
They’re trying to fry,
So please do not fall.
Just back off that wall,
Let Mets fans instead
Use your ball-as-a-head
To cheer for tomorrow
To move past the sorrow
Of this awful collapse
And one day perhaps
The fans will forgive, or forget.

9/11/2001: America under terrorist attack

9/11/2007: Zumaya fine after fingernail scare

Your mission, should you choose to accept it: to identify the game, players and plays shown in this video:

Lohse has been hsipped off to Hpilly,
Hwo hsouldn’t expect a Curt Hscilly
Hsarp pihtcing hsow.
One start he’ll htrow
Blazes; the next start he’s hcilly.

Daniels, your trades leave me terrified.
The Rangers get worse, not new-erafied.
Will Saltalamacchia
And prospects restockia
Better than being Teixeirafied?

"You’ve finally healed your physique!
You hold a consecutive streak
Of one ballgame played.
So therefore, a trade
Will happen in less than a week."

"I don’t really want to critique
A brilliant GM’s technique,
But I think I just saw
That your plan has a flaw:
Ow!  I just pulled my oblique."

In full appreciation of this map of the Stockholm Subway system, where all the Swedish place names are translated into literal English, I present the 30 Major League team names, translated into literal Swedish, listed in Swedish alphabetical order.

Which team is which, I’ll leave it for you to figure out in the comments.  No fair spilling the beans if you can already speak a Scandinavian language, though.

Björnungarna
Bryggarna
De Idrottsliga
De Klippiga
De Kungliga
De Landsomfattande
De Modiga
De Röda
Fäderna
Gyllingarna
Indianerna
Jänkarna
Jättarna
Nötskrikarna
Parkvaktarna
Rockorna
Röda Fåglarna
Röda Strumporna
Sjömännen
Sjörövarna
Skallerormarna
Spjutfiskarna
Stjärnorna
Storstadsinvånarna
Tigrarna
Tvillingarna
Undvikarna
Ungstona
Vita Strumporna
Änglarna

I’ve found some brave souls to help me generate more content here on Humbug. However, I’m still open to suggestions, so if, in addition to our usual artsy stuff, you have any ideas for “gimmicky recurring features” (our new mantra), please email me at toaster AT humbug .com.

In the meantime, I’m happy to welcome Dianagramr and Ember Nickel (nobody uses real names around these parts) to the Humbug team. Ember starts things off with a lovely acrostic sonnet.

I’m looking for some help to create some more Humbug content. I’d like to provide some more fun, frivolous baseball humbug on a more regular basis.

In particular, I’m looking for a quizmaster of sorts, someone to help me create another round of Humbugardy questions. If you’re interested, or have any other brilliant ideas for fun, frivolous baseball humbug, send me an email at toaster AT humbug.com.

A lesson for K-Rod the Cheater:
When tacking a tail to your heater,
Don’t let the police
See spit, goop, or grease.
You need to disguise it discreeter.

Disclaimer: The Humbug Journal produced this document under the threat of a lawsuit, not from any desire to be the next Jessica Hagy. Past performance does not guarantee future results.