We should be discussing the Rocket

As he put one more win in his pocket.

But forget Roger’s heater;

Poor Derek Jeter

Had his armbone dislodged from its socket.

Though certainly there’s been no doubtin’

That few can compel us like Bouton,

I would have preferred

That he’d sometimes be heard

Without some new book that he’s toutin’.

Arizona Diamondbacks

While 2001 was quite thrilling

Last year was not so fulfilling.

Add Dessens’ acquisition

To Kim’s new transition:

The coalition of the Randy and Schilling.

San Francisco Giants

With wintertime’s painful lament,

Some Giants have packed up their tent.

Durham, Cruz and Grissom

Will help fans not miss ’em;

Alfonzo will proxy for Kent.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Their arms will be really on track

If Dreifort and Brown can come back.

Though they rise from the rubble,

Pitching’s not LA’s trouble,

It’s their feeble offensive attack.

Colorado Rockies

Dan O’Dowd should be admired

For the players that he just acquired.

He was once too aggressive

But this winter’s impressive:

The Hampton dump was Justin Speiered.

San Diego Padres

Since Nevin and Hoffman got sore,

They’ll focus on 2004.

Perez, Peavy, Eaton,

And Lawrence will sweeten

Petco Park: need I say more?

Atlanta Braves

Can Byrd and Ortiz come across

To make Kevin and Tom less a loss?

And can Leo Mazzone

Roll the Rockie turned stony,

Or will Hampton keep gathering Moss?

Montreal Expos

Next year the Expos are gone.

They’ll leave Montreal and San Juan.

If no city or county

Will pay Selig’s bounty

They’re welcome to play on my lawn.

Philadelphia Phillies

With Thome and Millwood and Bell,

There’s no excuse not to do well.

For if they play poorly,

I can say surely

That Bowa will give them some hell.

Florida Marlins

Marlins fans, pray to your Lord

To ward off a dreary scoreboard.

With each fragile arm

That suffers more harm

Florida yawns, as if Tor-bored.

New York Mets

The Mets think the future is now,

But that thought I would disavow.

There’s pitching fragility,

Offensive senility,

Plus defensive futility, and Howe!

St. Louis Cardinals

With Izzy and Edmonds and Drew

Hurt and replaced by a crew

Of Palmeiro, Marrero,

Kline and Fassero,

It’s tricky to guess how they’ll do.

Houston Astros

Where Kent once had Nen and Worrell,

It’s Wagner set up by Dotel.

But his favorite trade

Is the minutely made

Ballpark compared to Pac Bell.

Cincinnati Reds

With Kearns joining Griffey and Dunn

The Reds’ outfield sure will be fun.

While their hitting earns raves,

They’ll be digging their Graves

If their pitching yields run after run.

Pittsburgh Pirates

If Ramirez and Kendall come back

And Lofton and Sanders can hack

With the usual Giles,

You will see this year’s smiles

Won’t be laughs at the yellow and black.

Chicago Cubs

While Sosa belongs with the greats,

He’s gotten no help from his mates.

If the others won’t hit,

It’s so sad to admit,

The Cubs would be in Prior straits.

Milwaukee Brewers

A franchise-wide hole has been dug.

Yes, Sexson can certainly slug,

And I think I can say

That the pitching’s OK,

But the rest of that lineup is –Ugh!

Oakland Athletics

The A’s playoff losses prompt queries

And everyone has their own theories.

My key to survive

The dreaded game five

Is simply to sweep the dang series.

Anaheim Angels

The monkey has seen no upheaval

Since the last Series fly ball retrieval.

Though the team is the same,

It’s a whole new ballgame

If the injury bug spreads its evil.

Seattle Mariners

While mermaids sing “Younger!” and “Quicker!”,

The Mariners’ glow starts to flicker.

Though their hair is now thinning,

They are still somehow winning;

Forgetting that “older” means “sicker”.

Texas Rangers

Despite their new manager, Buck,

The Rangers just seem to be stuck.

Their hitting, once more,

Quite often will score,

And the pitching will still really suck.

New York Yankees

A couple of years since they’ve won

Makes George vow they won’t be outdone

Regardless of cost.

Yet if they win, they’ve still lost

The joy of surprise that’s so fun.

Boston Red Sox

Their highlights hit ESPN,

The starters are good, so’s the pen,

Yet while Boston looks great

What strange twist of fate

Is slouching towards Fenway again?

Toronto Blue Jays

An intriguing team, J.P.’s Jays.

They’re starting a youthful new phase

Which looks, not by chance,

At a furtive first glance

To resemble the ’99 A’s.

Baltimore Orioles

Oriole watchers:

Be still. Don’t expose yourselves.

Less said, the better.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Rays fans will wish that they knew

The day that he finally blew

The roof off the dome

Of his new chosen home:

The eruption of big Mount St. Lou.

Minnesota Twins

The source of my fantasy ire:

Rogers (or Lohse?) and Cuddyer.

For Santana got shafted,

And Kielty I drafted;

I wish I could just Gardenfire.

Chicago White Sox

If Thomas can stop being surly

And Colon can win 20 with Buehrle

And if (let’s be greedy)

There’s a breakout from Crede,

The Sox year won’t end prematurely.

Cleveland Indians

Add talent, a new generation,

To a veteran hitting foundation

Of Burks and Vizquel–

Oh, wait! What’s that smell?

The stench of the starting rotation!

Kansas City Royals

I don’t want to sound like a meanie

But Beltran, Ibanez and Sweeney

Could make more dramatics

For baseball fanatics

By escaping this team, like Houdini.

Detroit Tigers

Did anyone tell Alan Trammell

His Tigers resemble a mammal

That is less like a cat

And is more something that

Will take some big lumps, like a camel?

To rely on the wisdom of scouts

For projecting who hits or makes outs,

And just eyeball at-bats

Without using stats–

Well, that’s like trying to write a poem without knowing anything about meter–you might write a good one if you’re lucky, but I have my doubts.

To borrow a phrase from Joe Sheehan,

The average Joe European

Is a baseball illiterate.

So I laugh to consider it:

“Baseball? What’s that? Let’s go skiin’!”

Oakland fans should be resigned

To not getting all-stars re-signed.

They shouldn’t despair

For with Billy Beane there

Another star’s not far behind.

If you wonder why I’m getting lax

With no recent poems–relax.

There’s nothing bad brewing,

Unless you count doing

My state and my federal tax.

Millions say, “I am a fan.”

Yet few will pay EFQ’s man.

He doesn’t succeed

Because no one will read;

Kids these days, they only scan.

If you’re a stupid, bad writer

Just interview players like Leiter.

Don’t praise or berate him,

Just quote him verbatim

And your writing is instantly brighter.

Life must be good if you’re Moyer.

You somehow convinced your employer

Despite your old age

To pay a big wage,

Which you won’t have to share with your lawyer.

Here’s a stupid song

About a stupid thing

It may have much that’s wrong

But at least I do not sing.

Download the song:

• Low Bandwidth (384KB, mp3 format)
• High Bandwidth (1,024KB, mp3 format)

Since Eckersley, Tony and Dunc

Think a closerless bullpen is sunk.

But if Izzy’s too busy

He isn’t Eck, is he?

He’s more like the next Eric Plunk.

The problem has hit me mostly economically

What is a Nickle worth, and what about Penny?

My favorite web site now no longer will be free

I must pay forty bucks to read my BP.

I asked, “Is 40 bucks a price that is so wise?”

The answer is easy if you care to analyze

That is the price where revenues will maximize

I must pay forty bucks to read my BP.

Forty bucks to read my BP.

That’s what it Costas, Bob.

It’s not too Deer, Rob.

Fork up the Cash, Norm.

And stay informed.

Just pay the Money, Don.

Give up the Green, Shawn.

Let’s take a Gamble, Lee.

And buy BP.

You said, “Ben Grieve news is hardly worth two cents,”

Is this the best way to spend my Schillings, Pounds, and Pence?”

I said, “I understand that, but just think of their expense.”

You said, “Why don’t we just wait ’til we have got a clue?

We can decide sometime after next month’s sneak preview.”

I thought about it and realized that’s the thing to do

Before paying forty bucks to read my BP.

Forty bucks to read my BP.

That’s what it Costas, Bob.

It’s not too Deer, Rob.

Fork up the Cash, Norm.

And stay informed.

Just pay the Money, Don.

Give up the Green, Shawn.

Let’s take a Gamble, Lee.

And buy BP.